Saturday, 2 August 2014

Dirty Dingo

I had this fucking stupid idea. I just watched some Russel Brand thing (and I almost wrote - "on the telly") on YouTube. I saw it on the post of some random G+ guy and clicked it half randomly. The trailer looked like an add for Morrowind (a game played years ago), but it just seemed a bit different. Let me put this into perspective.... I played a game years ago. Even though there have been several incarnations of the theme music, this one has a particular resonance with some / brain twisted / mind drunk / pot smoked / 3am distortion of reality... made my bosoms swell with affection. I looked clearer into the screen, I began to notice how cleverly they had constructed the video. The intricate subtlety of the camera distance until you notice the crashing of the waves in the background. When I realized how in trance I was to the ADVERTISEMENT and realized I was watching a commercial for the Skywind mod.. not even some ad to sell me tampons or face cream or the time it finished I felt like the intro music for the video I went to watch was an ad. I clicked close immediately. I had to go back into my history to find it again after realizing what I'd done. Then I watched this really rad video with some dude in a chair with a computer and a camera rattled on about some dick TV guy in America. Cut to the AmericaFyeah guy and he's defending himself against the guy at home, who looks stoned, on the wagon... Even though he has a specific accent, in so many ways he sounds a lot like you and me. It sounds something like: "So, you see this TV guy? I reckon he's full of shit. Listen to him blab on, in an interview, where he's interviewing the other guy he's asked to be on the show and not letting him answer. He just blabs on and gets angry when he doesn't get a one word answer,". Of course, I'm paraphrasing. I just want you to see how it helped my frame of mind. I'm not quoting an actual story verbatim. Go watch the video. So there's this douche, then another even bigger douche; battling it out in this media manipulation frenzy. There's another point. This YouTube video. It's also cut together. Russel Brand appears to be all spontaneous and natural, but there are obvious cuts. He has video spliced together and stopped at the most opportunistic moments... it's totally manipulative. My only problem with it was they did not satire this to the extent that the manipulation was transparent, in itself mocking the very video it was in response to. The whole experience was rather eye opening. I have never watched the whole ad. not even for movies. Skip it like its a hard baseball getting smashed in your face. I watched the ad and skipped the video. I went back and was inspired to write on this blog. The media is full of shit. I don't want to wave a flag of bullshit and make much more claim than that. There's is no denying that the news exists because the more people watch it, the more ads they'll see so get more advertisers to pay for our existence because we need to spin some shit to all the bitches that need to watch this. I have no idea how that last sentence worked. It might not seem like it at first but go back and see. Readosaphif, true, I'm telling you: They be making shit up half the time to sell you some cream, or ointment, for pimples and shit. Viva la revolution! Brand may have the fortune to be known and pretty enough to have some (p)recomposed exposure. But the idea of sitting back in your house and spewing awesome out to the internet. Getting exposure for putting a pompous ass in his place - and the worst of all - presenting an opinion that is more tolerant to ALL the victims rather than bigoted, yet more considerate to the innocence on both sides of the issue. More videos. More articles. I'm not specifically meaning Brand. I mean everywhere. I'd rather see journo's and vloggers accomplish more because they're telling not selling. I appreciate tech reviews; but they're not contributing to the world beyond helping perpetuate stronger consumerism. I've seen a bunch with young kids who just talk about their day, but they have cool hair or cleavage. These kids get thousands upon thousands of viewers. For just talking shit. There's the popularity contest combined with the sales market. Honestly, I KNOW, there's a whole bunch of people out there who can see this!!! Rise. We need more people, intellectually, IN YOUR FACE! It's not global warming you need to worry about, it's you local news station. They want bucks - but i want to FUCK... THAT! TV shits on people. The internet shits back. I'll start blogging. ***** P.S The intention of this article was to write about "Dirty Dingo". It was an idea I had to make a bogus news website where they just made shit up. I was going to lead with: Local Man Explodes Local Dominoes When local man asked why he blew up the local establishment he replied; "It's the one I liked the most. Everybody loves it. It's the best fast food place in my town. Of course I had to blow it up. Otherwise nobody would notice." One by one these terrorists will fall.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Conspiracy Theory: The mystical world of Unicorns, Faeries, Trolls and AIMBOT (a video game rant)

We are going to take a mystical journey into the dark depths of the eerie and magical world of PWNing No0bs on PS3 (and XBOX). It is a land of magical powers where fairies and unicorns live. And I'm not talking about a fantasy game either. I'm talking about online shooters like COD and Red Dead Redemption, where the presence of the all powerful AIMBOT is a scourge upon the masses, and those that wield the almighty and magical MODDED CONTROLLER or LAG SWITCH have the ability to control the internet connection speeds of the world with the mere twitch of a bitch's witch's nose and fire bullets from their arse.

Here, the term Unicorn is a euphemism for dickhead, a Troll is a troll, and a Faerie is somebody who pisses and moans about being shot in the face because they suck. I want to be clear right here at the get go; PROVE ME WRONG. The operative word here being prove. I need proof in order to be swayed to believe in anything different. Show me links with factual information. Explain to me the technical specifications required to achieve such wondery. I don't believe in Faeries and Unicorns, so until you show me the corpse of one you can be a dickhead and piss and moan until you are blue in the face. It doesn't make it real.

I am not trying to insult you, dear reader. This whole debacle just gets me so frustrated. I merely am pointing out that many, many people have argued with me in the past and have yet been unable to provide me with one shred of evidence. I don't care if your 'cousin said he can do it'. All that proves to me is that either you or your cousin, or both, are full of shit.

So, let's dig a little deeper shall we? Instead of just ranting and dismissing what I don't believe, I'll use my uncanny talent of nerdiness to explore what actually is possible. I'll even explain the evidence. Let us begin with the modded controller, what it is, and what it can and can not do...

Let's say you are playing a certain shooter. In order to aim you hold L1, and to fire you tap R2 as fast as  you can to empty your clip into some no0bs head. You might even crouch while you are doing it to make yourself harder to hit in your enemies retaliation fire. A modded controller can be preconfigured to do all these things at once, with one button, and holding it down; the controller sends the input to the console as if you were tapping it at an increased rate (rapid fire). That's it. The manufacturers of such devices usually have preconfigured settings for certain popular games to make your man fire 25 times per second. Some even have a jiggle mode to make you harder to hit, which would be the equivalent of wriggling your finger around the thumb stick really fast. It is very important to keep in mind that these abilities are limited to the confines of what the game is actually capable of. The gun will only fire as fast as the physical limits written into the programming allow. That is the be all and end all of a modded controller. Something such as auto-aim, in regards to the ability of a modded controller, is literally only going to work if the game has some sort of auto-aim already programmed in. If you press L1 to lock on and R2 to fire, a modded controller can be set up so that when you press R2, it sends the message that you are hitting L1+R2+R2+R2+R2 etc. That is all a modded controller can do. 

These are the facts. The general consensus though, is that a modded controller gives one the ability to score a headshot with each and every bullet, as if they were Neo breaking the barriers of the Matrix and bending the game to their will. If one had such power, why the fuck would they be playing a video game and not stealing billions of dollars from the Fed or bombing your house with the United States Military's weapons from their mobile phone?

Oh, so it's not the modded controller allowing them to get head shots you say? It's the other type of aimbot...

It may be the case that such a thing exists in the world of PC gaming. In order to achieve it one would need to deconstruct the source code of a game, figure out a lot of programming code, and alter said code with a script to automatically lock on to the heads of other players. I will not refute the possibility of this, and in fact I am aware that a lot of online Steam servers have checks in place to try to ensure that this sort of thing does not happen. The task would be long and arduous and probably more hard work than it's worth, it is in theory possible. However...

We are talking about console gaming. This would imply, not only being able to deconstruct the source code of a game like on PC, but you would also need to hack both the protective encryption of the game disk itself and the console. I am aware there are jailbreak Flash/USB's and custom firmwares available that allow you to add movie playing codec abilities and emulation such as SNES or Linux for PS3 and homebrew games. I am an avid Linux user and tech enthusiast and I love tinkering with devices to get more of my money's worth for the hardware I have bought. I don't hack my PS3 because the detection of altered firmware bans you from PSN. If you can argue that a jailbroken PS3 can still get on PSN then I still want you to tell me where and how exactly you found and applied a script or hack that gave your game the ability to auto aim. I searched the shit out of the internet to find such a thing for research for this post. Go look for yourself. This shit does not exist. Period. Prove me wrong, PLEASE! WITH EVIDENCE!!

So let us now explore another possibility. The guy that got Public Enemy on your ass in Red Dead Redemption Hardcore Free Roam, whilst on the back of a horse using a LeMat revolver, may just be neither mystical nor magical. He didn't fire a hundred bullets in a second, he fired three, coincidentally the exact amount of shots it takes to kill someone. The Springfield rifle's aim was true and got you in the head, killing you with one bullet... he must be a hacker, with aim-bot and a modded controller. But wait, he wasn't riding a Unicorn... because these things don't exist. Maybe we just all need to stop being Faeries and respect that the guy is just good.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

tHE TOTaL nOOB GUidE TO ChrOmiuM pOrtaBLe fOr NOOBs'z

This is a tutorial about ninjas and aliens, but first some things about Chromium Portable.

"Right," you say, "what the hell is it and why the hell do I even care?".

Well, dear readerooni, you see: Chromium Portable is one of the bestest things ever for people that need to use different computers throughout their day. People like students; who find it a P.I.T.A to have to log in to all their favourite websites on each terminal using crappy Windows Explorer, because the admin's don't give enough of a shit to provide you with a decent browser. That, combined with the fact that you cannot install anything because you are a noob, and they will not allow your feeble noobishness the ability to install software on their super, pristine uber network of Windows 7 computers.

Now you can be part of the rebellion! Together we will rise and say "No! I will not use Windows Explorer! I will not give in to the tyranny of crappy browsing! I will not be oppressed by the indifference of admin!"

And I will show you how.

When people think of the 'worlds greatest website', usually they will think of something retarded, like Youporn, or Youtube or Facebook. Whilst these websites might be great in many ways, they are also retarded in many ways. The other, more accurately described: 'worlds greatest website' is Sourceforge; where there is about a bazillion awesome softwares available, for free, and it is where I want you to click on something now. Go forth and download Chromium Portable.

Now you take your most favourite USB stick or external, portable HDD - the one that you take with you everywhere - and you install that Chromium Portable. Install it, and install it hard. Install it like you've never installed before.

Just in case you have never installed before: 

Click the Chromium Install button from the file you just downloaded.

Choose a language that you understand how to read.

Click 'Next'
 Now click on 'Browse'

Click on your 'Removable Drive'

Now click 'Install'

Watch as the green bar grows while you imagine yourself lifting an X-Wing from a swamp with your mind.

Now for the fun part. Open your USB folder, clickity click on the little blue Chromium logo, and be amazed by the awesomely boring new browser running directly from your USB stick.

In the top, right hand corner of your amazing new browser - you will see:

Something like this. 
(Click to enlarge, you noob)

Up in the top right hand corner it says: "Not signed in to Chromium (You're missing out - Sign in)".
This statement is TRUE! Do it. If you do not have a Google/Gmail account... go get one. You can use any existing email to use it, or set up a new Gmail account now. Just do it. Remember your password! I will not cover how to set up Google accounts here, but it's pointless for the rest of the tutorial NOT to have one, and then you wont learn about ninjas and aliens. Click 'Sign in' and get all that sorted. I mean it buster!

Now that you have done all that, guess what? You're done! Was that so hard? Now, any time you run that sweet, sweet Chromium Portable from your portable USB/HDD, it will sync all your bookmarks, passwords, webapps and everything everywhere you go! And now you also have a Google account... this is where things get even better.

Firstly, remember how I said 'awesomely boring' earlier? That's because we need to pimp your new web-ride. That little blue box with the Chromium logo in the picture above is the Web Store. Here you will find many awesome things. One such awesome thing is themes! Have fun looking through all the crappy ones and wonder why they are at the top of the list and realize that it's because thousands of people have taste in their arse. I recommend this one personally: Sobrio.

Feel free as a bird to install a bunch of apps from the store, just know that most of them are shit, and a waste of time. One that is not shit, and actually quite a useful button is this: Google Drive. Go and get it!

Providing you have set up Google Drive and clicked all the buttons and what not, you now have a personal cloud! A cloud! All for you! Hooray! Google are sweet enough to give you 5gb of personal storage space where you can back up important stuffs. It also has Google Docs, now making your spiffy new Chromium Portable not only a web browser - but a complete Office Suite! With word processor, spreadsheets, Google Calender, "Oh my!".

But wait! There's more! Not only do you have this awesome browser that remembers you passwords and bookmarks and is an office suite and gives you 5gb of extra cloud storage and is pimped out with a sweet theme... You can also, after opening a new tab, click where you see your email:

Ohh, yeah... that's the spot.

Now you can add a new user! That's right! You can log in to another Google account. Possibly a shared classroom account. That's like, DOUBLE AWESOME! You can even assign a cute picture to each one! One can be a ninja! One can be an alien! I told you this tutorial was about ninjas and aliens! Just know that if you are using a shared Chromium account, all webapps and changes you make effect everyone else using that account.

Here are a list of things to install because in my infinite wisdom they are awesome things. Click ALL THE THINGS!

There are tons more cool apps but this list covers the essentials. Some are just big shortcuts for your 'new tab' screen, and some are fully sick CSS hacks like: Stylish, and Social Fixer. Now it is up to you to go alone for the rest of this journey. Seek out new apps and HTML5 sites. Boldly go out into this wonderful new adventure featuring ninjas, aliens and clouds with your kick ass portable browser.

And that is the total noob guide to Chromium Portable.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Movie Reviews: The White Serpent (Rises)

There seems to be some amount of issues regarding the translation of the title of this flilm: 白蛇伝 Hakujaden, The White Serpent, The Tale of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Snake, Panda and the Magic Serpent and White Trash Jizz-Snake Swallowers 5. Originally created in Japan in 1958 and based on a tale of Chinese folklore of the Song Dynasty, it has also been slightly adapted for a more recent retelling under another title, The Dark Knight Rises. It is obvious that the many title differentiations are part of a master conspiracy instigated by the Illuminati in an attempt to throw the entire globe into chaos and create a new world order.

In the anime, a young boy (Xu-Xian) is forced to give up his pet snake (that he loves) by his parents. In The Dark Knight Rises, a young boy (Bruce Wayne) is also forced to give up love due to the tragedy of his parent’s death. It is a clever Yin Yang approach to twisting the tale into opposing jungian archetypes to fundamentally retell the same story. In the anime, years pass and there is a violent storm, during which the snake transforms into a beautiful princess. In the newer, better, cooler film; the snake symbolism is replaced with that of The Bat. 8 years of peace transpire under the Harvey Dent Act, but the return of The League of Shadows forces the Batman to resurface. Even the name of the snake, Bai-Niang, sounds a lot like Batman if you say it with your tongue sticking out (a common technique employed by the lizard tongued, reptillian elite AKA Illuminati). Xu-Xiang also has two helpful panda friends Panda and Mimi (Lucius Fox and Alfred Pennyworth). At the end of the anime, Bai-Niang (you hear Batman now, don’t you?) gives up her powers to prove her love. In the Dark Knight Rises, Wayne gives up the mantle of The Bat and elopes with Selina Kyle (who is ultra-mega-uber-hot).

The local monk, Fa-Hai, is reinterpreted in TDKR with Bane, a super awesome badass villain with a sick voice who beats the crap out of Batman and knows his secret identity. He is an extremely iconic villain, harking back to the classic movie monsters, and is somewhat of a cross between Darth Vader and Sean Connery. U.S. Talk back radio personality and allround douchebag, Rush Limbough made the connection early on, before even seeing the movie (that’s how clever he is), that Bane is an allegory of Mitt Romney, presidential candidate, because of the financial firm co-founded by Romney, Bain Capital. This, combined with the fact that Obama propaganda a few years ago featured him with Joker makeup (thanks to another radio dude and Illuminati opposer [possible scapegoat of], Alex Jones), raises the question: Why are super villains running the world?

In conclusion, the original The Tale of the White Snake (1958) anime has a very brief wikipedia page, and the world needs Batman.

*Included are the lyrics of the Fat Man on Batman podcast theme song for hysterical purposes

Now you all know Kev Smith’s a big old fat man
but did you know his favourite hero is Batman?
The dark knight who punches dirty turkeys in the face.

That’s right caped crusader,
punch all those turkeys.
Punch them in their turkey necks.

So once a week now this no fly list fatty’s
gonna put the put the food down and get chatty ‘bout Batty
and this turkey gets wordy ‘bout Gotham like it’s a real place.

He ain’t got time for his wife or daughter,
‘cause Catwoman’s loose and Batman ain’t caught her.
Go get ‘em caped crusader, you on a pussy hunt now.

Get ready turkeys, we goin’ bat shit.
Babble about the bat with old Kevin Smith.

Fat man on Batman with fat Kevin Smith.

And that is my review of 白蛇伝 Hakujaden, The White Serpent, The Tale of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Snake, Panda and the Magic Serpent or White Trash Jizz-Snake Swallowers 5 (aka The Dark Knight Rises).

Posting My Homework

I have decided to post the reviews I write for school as part of the blog, as it is a bit of a shame to only have my lecturer read them once after I put all that effort into writing. Go Forth: Be Immortal On The Internet Ye Reviews O' Movies!

Enjoy, dear reader... First up: The White Serpent (Rises)

Friday, 17 August 2012


I have decided to document my experiences with my favourite operating system for anyone who may find it to hopefully find it comprehensive and helpful from a non 'techie' perspective. A lot of similar articles are available around the web and there are plenty of places to go for help, but I just felt that not many carry the tone to support people oblivious to Linux and what it can do. I may falter and 'assume you know' from time to time, but will try to be as helpful as possible if you want to ask me questions in the comments section. I would like also to point out that I am a sucker for 'eye candy', and most of this is about how to get your new OS looking pretty so you can feel like a bad ass L337-H4X0R every time you update your Facebook status.

There are a bazillion how-to tutorials on getting Ubuntu onto your computer. I'm not going to cover that. This is all about pimping your desktop to look all awesome and cool AFTER you have a fresh install. If you are stuck, there is this: a really helpful website where you can type in your question and it will give you a list of results on how to do it; here.

So, I went ahead and did a full, fresh install of the new Ubuntu 12.10 Alpha 3. After an initial crash during installation and about two hours of nail biting and not permitting anyone within at a three meter radius of my laptop, I got it to work.

It was clunky and slow and my heart was sinking. It was then that I typed in this magical sequence into the Gnome-Terminal:

sudo apt-get update && apt-get upgrade

About 15 minutes later I rebooted my netbook and nearly creamed my pants. Everything was awesome. Like, surprisingly so. So far I have found it to crash less often than 12.04, and often it is only due to me playing around with advanced settings such as compiz-config or the such.

The Ubuntu default theme, IMO, is ugly as hell. Well, maybe ugly is not the way to put it. Some people obviously like it. I just think it's not for me and I need to change that stuff ASAP to something... cooler.

The first thing I did was manually install this icon theme: AwOken

The instructions I give now can be used for any icon set you like, but I love this theme and will use it for the tutorial. The AwOken theme actually has an installer script and ppa to make things a LOT easier if you are doing this in 12.04, and there are ways I could have done it that way in 12.10 also, but this is how to do it the manually, using the super-user file manager rather than too much command line.

Word of warning! Using the file browser (nautilus) like this is very dangerous if you do not know what you are doing. If you delete anything it is gone forever. Use it with respect and follow these instructions to the fullest. There is a reason the ability of the use of the file manager like this is hidden to the average J. Random user! You have been warned!

sudo nautilus

Boom baby! You are now looking at the super file browser, now you hold CTRL and press L and you can type in the following to navigate to the required location: (replace username with, well, your user name)


This is where you want to dump the extracted theme folder, in this case AwOken.

*Please note: You don't really have to use 'sudo nautilus' to do this, but by showing you how to now, you can use the same process for other theming other things later. Close you Super Nautilus. Don't play around in there unless you need to!

Now when you install Ubuntu Tweak the AwOken icon set is selectable. Start downloading the .deb file for Ubuntu-Tweak from the link I just provided. While it's downloading, in a terminal do this:

sudo apt-get install gdebi

When the file is downloaded, select 'open/show in folder', right click and install with gdebi. This makes the new package install more like a .exe in Windows rather than being forced to use the Ubuntu Software Manager. It is quicker and easier but you can do it without gdebi if you want.

On with the THEMES!

By far, so far, the best theme I have found for the GTK3 engine is this: OMG Dark! Now, where the tutorial there says "To install themes,unpack archive to /usr/share/themes or ~/.themes folder" you know how to do it with your Super Nautilus, and do it in a hot, sticky, GUI way. Again, you can now try out these themes with Ubuntu-Tweak, like we did with the icons. I also highly recommend getting the program 'MyUnity' for even more tweaking/adjusting the look of the unity panel and bar. You can also use MyUnity to change the GTK/Icon themes without Ubuntu-Tweak if you wish.

sudo apt-get myunity

Here is a couple of screen grabs of my current desktop for you to fap over:

Oooh yeah, all nice and GUI <3

*Stay tuned for the next episode of #PimpMyBuntu: Pimp My Browser or Give Me All The Lenses! Coming Soon! /blog