Saturday, 18 August 2012

Movie Reviews: The White Serpent (Rises)

There seems to be some amount of issues regarding the translation of the title of this flilm: 白蛇伝 Hakujaden, The White Serpent, The Tale of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Snake, Panda and the Magic Serpent and White Trash Jizz-Snake Swallowers 5. Originally created in Japan in 1958 and based on a tale of Chinese folklore of the Song Dynasty, it has also been slightly adapted for a more recent retelling under another title, The Dark Knight Rises. It is obvious that the many title differentiations are part of a master conspiracy instigated by the Illuminati in an attempt to throw the entire globe into chaos and create a new world order.

In the anime, a young boy (Xu-Xian) is forced to give up his pet snake (that he loves) by his parents. In The Dark Knight Rises, a young boy (Bruce Wayne) is also forced to give up love due to the tragedy of his parent’s death. It is a clever Yin Yang approach to twisting the tale into opposing jungian archetypes to fundamentally retell the same story. In the anime, years pass and there is a violent storm, during which the snake transforms into a beautiful princess. In the newer, better, cooler film; the snake symbolism is replaced with that of The Bat. 8 years of peace transpire under the Harvey Dent Act, but the return of The League of Shadows forces the Batman to resurface. Even the name of the snake, Bai-Niang, sounds a lot like Batman if you say it with your tongue sticking out (a common technique employed by the lizard tongued, reptillian elite AKA Illuminati). Xu-Xiang also has two helpful panda friends Panda and Mimi (Lucius Fox and Alfred Pennyworth). At the end of the anime, Bai-Niang (you hear Batman now, don’t you?) gives up her powers to prove her love. In the Dark Knight Rises, Wayne gives up the mantle of The Bat and elopes with Selina Kyle (who is ultra-mega-uber-hot).

The local monk, Fa-Hai, is reinterpreted in TDKR with Bane, a super awesome badass villain with a sick voice who beats the crap out of Batman and knows his secret identity. He is an extremely iconic villain, harking back to the classic movie monsters, and is somewhat of a cross between Darth Vader and Sean Connery. U.S. Talk back radio personality and allround douchebag, Rush Limbough made the connection early on, before even seeing the movie (that’s how clever he is), that Bane is an allegory of Mitt Romney, presidential candidate, because of the financial firm co-founded by Romney, Bain Capital. This, combined with the fact that Obama propaganda a few years ago featured him with Joker makeup (thanks to another radio dude and Illuminati opposer [possible scapegoat of], Alex Jones), raises the question: Why are super villains running the world?

In conclusion, the original The Tale of the White Snake (1958) anime has a very brief wikipedia page, and the world needs Batman.

*Included are the lyrics of the Fat Man on Batman podcast theme song for hysterical purposes

Now you all know Kev Smith’s a big old fat man
but did you know his favourite hero is Batman?
The dark knight who punches dirty turkeys in the face.

That’s right caped crusader,
punch all those turkeys.
Punch them in their turkey necks.

So once a week now this no fly list fatty’s
gonna put the put the food down and get chatty ‘bout Batty
and this turkey gets wordy ‘bout Gotham like it’s a real place.

He ain’t got time for his wife or daughter,
‘cause Catwoman’s loose and Batman ain’t caught her.
Go get ‘em caped crusader, you on a pussy hunt now.

Get ready turkeys, we goin’ bat shit.
Babble about the bat with old Kevin Smith.

Fat man on Batman with fat Kevin Smith.

And that is my review of 白蛇伝 Hakujaden, The White Serpent, The Tale of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Serpent, The Legend of the White Snake, Panda and the Magic Serpent or White Trash Jizz-Snake Swallowers 5 (aka The Dark Knight Rises).

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